


The Song Remains the Same

by NatesMama



Series: Nobody's Fault But Mine [1]
Category: Bones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-05 20:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatesMama/pseuds/NatesMama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season Six. What happens when Booth really, truly does move on? How does Brennan handle it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Song Remains the Same

She did it to herself. She knew that, intellectually. He'd offered her everything and more on a silver, charm smile-gilded platter and she had pushed him away. Yes, he had wasted no time in telling her that he had to move on…but as much as it had stung, she knew why he'd said it. Because even though everyone accused her of not being able to read people, she knew him. She knew a kindred spirit when she saw one, as irrational as the idea was. And her and Booth shared quite a few more qualities than either one would admit, and one important quality in particular.

They were very much alike when it came to protecting themselves.

So after their self-imposed separation, during which time she had re-examined her relationship with Booth and decided that maybe she had been wrong about the whole thing, she was anxious to speak to him about how she was feeling. But he had torpedoed the entire conversation by telling her about the woman he had met in Afghanistan, and he seemed to…well, she didn't want to spend too much time thinking about the look she saw in his eye when he spoke of Hannah. And when the woman herself showed up in DC and almost immediately moved in with him, Brennan slapped on her usual façade of acceptance and, as Angela would put it, 'sucked it up'…hoping, in some irrational and useless way that this happiness he found with Hannah was only temporary and she could finally tell him what she had discovered about herself. About them.

So that is why she found herself sitting at the end of the bar at Founding Fathers, celebrating the end of their case alone. Booth and Hannah had made plans to get together with Cam and her boyfriend Paul the week before, and Brennan refused to let him reschedule. She told him that one missed post-case celebratory drink wouldn't kill either of them.

'So much for my being a genius.', she thought to herself afterwards.

She sat, nursing her wine and trying not to sulk. She fended off a few potential suitors and decided that, even though it wasn't her style, she was going to indulge in a bit of wallowing. That's when she saw the group enter the bar, laughing and chatting…looking as happy as she had ever seen any of them. Booth had his arm around Hannah's shoulders and Paul was holding tight to Cam's hand. That sight alone made Brennan physically ache. Everyone around her seemed to have found the one person they needed to make them happy, and had taken the necessary steps to grab onto that happiness.

She was a coward. And now she was paying for it.

The two couples stepped up to the bar, and Brennan moved one seat over so they couldn't see her from her own vantage point. They were greeted by Alec, one of the longtime bartenders, who asked Booth to introduce him to his date.

"Alec, my friend…I'd like you to meet Hannah." Booth smiled at the beautiful woman on his arm and ran a hand over her hair. "The love of my life."

Brennan had never actually passed out in her entire life. But at that moment, hearing those words come from his lips, she honestly believed that she was going to lose consciousness. Tears pricked her eyes and her fingers twisted painfully on her wine glass, and she struggled to stay upright on her stool. She forced herself to look up at the group, and realized that Cam had looked to Paul to say something…and saw Brennan sitting there. She watched as Cam paled visibly, then turned to Paul and said something in his ear. At that moment, a particularly rowdy group of college students entered the bar and began to crowd around, trying to order their drinks all at once. Brennan took that opportunity to pull some money out of her pocket, slide off her stool, and sneak out.

She never noticed Cam trying to fight the crowd to get to her.

Cam had turned back through the crowd to Paul and whispered to him, telling him quickly what had happened. Paul looked genuinely stricken, and offered to go with her to find Brennan, a gesture that made Cam fall even more in love with him. Agreed, they turned to a confused Booth and told him that something had come up and they had to go. Booth asked if there was anything he could do, and was shocked at Cam's reply as she walked away.

"I think you've done enough already, Seeley. We all have."

The two of them headed directly for Brennan's apartment, both in agreement that home would be the first place she would go to find refuge. As Paul drove, Cam called Angela and replayed the events of the evening, heart breaking all over again as Angela began to cry. She and Hodgins offered to go to the lab and look there, in case their friend wasn't home. Satisfied that she had covered as many angles as she could in such a short amount of time, Cam slapped her phone shut and stared out the windshield as Paul drove faster than was safe in DC on a Friday night, then did something she hadn't done in quite awhile.

She began to pray.

Of course, Brennan either wasn't home or wasn't answering her door. Her car was there, but Paul had touched the hood briefly and found it cold…so the chances were, Brennan had taken a cab to the bar. They weren't any luckier at the lab, Hodgins calling to report that it was deserted, and Brennan's office was locked. Sighing, Cam cursed herself for not knowing Brennan well enough to figure out where else she might go, and cringing at the thought of calling the one person she knew would have a better idea than any of them.

Damn him.

Gathering at the lab, along with Sweets, they finally faced the inevitable. They were going to have to call Booth. Paul made the call, the rest of them unsure if they could do it without cursing him out. As soon as he understood that Brennan was missing, Booth dropped everything, including his date, and rushed to the Jeffersonian.

When Booth walked into the lab, looking panicked, to a person the group rewarded him with a death glare. He looked completely confused until Cam pulled him aside and explained what had happened at the bar, at which point he grabbed the closest trash can and began vomiting violently. His reaction served to accomplish two things: it began to swing the group's ire away from him directly, and engendered a bit of sympathy as well.

After Booth had sufficiently recovered, he took a deep, cleansing breath and relayed to the group what had happened that night at the Hoover, where Booth had laid his heart on the line and Brennan had denied him. When he was finished, Sweets stood and walked out of the room. Angela followed his departure with her eyes, and then settled back on Booth.

"He's going to blame himself, you know. He probably already does." She said.

"I know." Booth dropped his heavy frame into the closest chair. "I blamed him for awhile, too. But it's not his fault. It's mine. I pushed her."

Hodgins shook his head, trying to inject some reason into the situation even though his heart ached for his friends. Both of them. "Booth, you know Brennan. She has to analyze everything before coming to a conclusion. It's possible she just needed some time to adjust to the idea. Yeah, maybe telling her you needed to move on not five minutes after telling her you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her wasn't the most smooth way to handle it, and maybe it was pushing her a little. But I've had a front row seat to this dance you two have been doing for years, and I have to say…you've done your fair share of subjugating your own feelings for hers."

Booth shook his head. "I should have known…"

Angela returned his gesture. "No, Jack's right, Booth. You waited and waited…longer than any man should have to wait, letting her get adjusted to the idea of the two of you. We've all seen it, Booth. And if she chose the path of least resistance when push finally came to shove, I don't think anyone can fault you for having had enough."

Cam looked closely at Booth, knowing that no matter what anyone said he was going to blame himself for whatever it was that Brennan was going to do. And as much as she loved him as a friend, she had to admit that both he and Brennan bore responsibility for how badly things had gone. But right now, her main priority was not to avert another Seeley Booth Pity Party, but to find Brennan and try to give her some comfort. Later, there were bound to be more recriminations and plenty of blame tossed about, none of which were really fair. But when someone you care about is hurt so irrevocably that you yourself ache for them physically, being fair is not really an option.

"Does anyone have an idea of where to find Brennan? Obviously she's not here, and she's not at home…as far as I know."

"Did you knock on her door?" Booth asked.

Cam glared. "No, Seeley. I stared at the door and willed it open. Of course, we knocked. There was no answer and no lights in the windows from the street. We think she took a cab from the bar, but beyond that…"

"I think I might have some ideas. But we'll have to split up." Booth pulled an index card from his jacket pocket and started making notes. Angela had the insane notion of making a comment about Brennan having rubbed off on him to the extent that he carried his case cards with him everywhere, but bit her tongue.

Once Booth had assigned a destination to everyone, they left the lab to search for Brennan. Not a single one of them, including Booth, knew what they were going to say to her when they found her.

Four hours later, they gathered back at the lab discouraged and exhausted. They'd looked in every single place that might have held some meaning to Brennan, up to and including calling Max as a last resort. Luckily, he'd been in North Carolina with Russ and Amy, so Booth was spared an ass kicking for at least a few days. Booth had called the cab company, lucking out by getting a helpful dispatcher who found out that after leaving the bar, Brennan had been dropped off at the reflecting pool near the Washington Monument. He'd gotten there in record time, but she was nowhere to be seen.

"I just don't know where she could have gone." Angela sighed, resting her head on Hodgins' shoulder. "Do you think she got a hotel room for the night?"

"If she did she paid cash. No movement on her credit cards in the last twelve hours." Booth reported.

"Seeley…if the Bureau finds out you used their resources…"

"I don't care. One less reason to wear a suit." He blanched. The last time he'd said those words in relation to Brennan, she'd been buried alive. But for some reason, this situation seemed even direr. All the squint superpowers in the world weren't going to find Brennan if she didn't want to be found.

What none of them knew was that Brennan had indeed seen Cam follow her through the crowd, and was aware that she might follow her even further. So she instructed the cabbie to drop her at the reflecting pool, realized that looking at the bench by the coffee cart was going to make her ill, then hailed another cab and headed home. She had the cab wait on the street, watching as Cam and Paul came out of her building and left. She gave the driver one hundred dollars, and told him she would double it if he would wait for her as long as it took to collect her things. He agreed readily.

Once in her apartment, she began packing frantically. She emptied her safe of the considerable amount of disposable cash she had inside, grabbed her most important paperwork, including her passport, and left almost as quickly as she had come. Once in the cab, she instructed him to head for the airport. Once again, he waited as she went inside and purchased seven tickets for various locations, then left the terminal. After giving the driver a two hundred dollar tip, she paid cash at the most inexpensive motel she could find, and fell onto the dingy bed in complete and total emotional exhaustion.

The next morning, her natural internal clock wouldn't let her sleep past 7 AM. Grabbing a quick shower, she called a car lot near the motel and arranged to come and look at vehicles. Once there, she swiftly found a used SUV with plenty of cargo space, paid for it with cash, and left with the dealer's assurance that he would push the paperwork through as soon as possible.

As soon as she was on the road out of Washington, her innate sense of responsibility began to kick in, and she sent Angela a text message.

Everyone had gathered at the diner to have some breakfast, but no one seemed anxious to eat. Booth pushed his ham and eggs around on his plate and wondered if he was ever going to truly be free of the guilt and shame he felt every time he thought of Bones. He knew he had fumbled the situation badly, maybe permanently, but up until now he had hoped they were in a good place, finally. Brennan had seemed to really like Hannah, and was supportive of Booth's relationship with her. But as he sat there thinking back on the last few months, he realized that she had been giving off subtle clues that things weren't as rosy as they seemed. She had been a little distant, spent more time at the lab than out in the field with him, almost never called him on his cell and had quit kidding around with him when they were together. At first, he'd put it off as her being tired…since they'd been back, the cases had been almost non-stop. But now…he knew she was dealing with the same pain and jealousy he had dealt with for years. Only she wasn't as capable as he was of handling that kind of heavy emotion. She wasn't familiar with being in love, and he now knew that she was…or had been…in love with him.

Yeah. He'd been a complete bastard.

No one seemed ready to talk, so they all sat in their miserable silence until the light ping of a phone going off pierced the quiet. Angela flipped her phone open, and gasped as she saw the sender.

"It's from Bren." They all sat forward, waiting. "She said she's fine." Angela swallowed thickly. "And that…"

"What? Angela, what did Bones say?" Booth was almost yelling.

Angela closed her eyes and willed the words on her screen to disappear. When she opened them again, nothing had changed. Biting the bullet, she responded. "She's not coming back."

_Two months later…_

Booth walked into the lab and headed directly for Angela's office. She had called him earlier to let him know that she had another letter from Brennan. When Bones had first disappeared, Booth had used every single method at his disposal, up to and including hiring a private detective, to find her. Apparently, she had been paying close attention to their cases and suspects because he never found a trace of her anywhere. After she had been gone about a week, Max had shown up in the lab with a package containing letters for everyone. Everyone except Booth. Brennan explained that it was simply too hard to be there with "everyone having found their happiness in another person, when I can't seem to find that for myself." Angela had cried for hours afterward, heart breaking for her best friend. Despite Brennan's careful instructions, Angela had allowed Booth to read her letter. She saw Booth was dancing very close to the edge of a breakdown, and Angela wasn't going to see another person she cared about go missing, physically or emotionally when she could at least give him an explanation.

When Booth entered Angela's office, she noticed that he had lost weight. At least fifteen pounds, if the way his suit hung on him was any indication. He accepted a hug from his friend, and then sat on her sofa wordlessly, waiting for her to hand him the newest letter. The next in a series of handwritten lifelines he was clinging to in desperation.

Angela sat next to Booth and set the note on his lap. "I'll just be in Jack's office. Come find me when you're done, sweetie." Not expecting a response, she stood and left Booth alone.

He held the single sheet of paper in his hands for a few minutes, turning it over and over, trying to get some kind of feel for her, for her energy. He had always scoffed when people claimed that your whole life's happiness could be wrapped up in one person, but now Booth knew better. Ever since that second night after Brennan had left, he hadn't been able to shake the feeling that nothing was ever going to be good again. He thought back to the night he and Angela had finally decided to go into her apartment. Brennan had been gone almost 24 hours, and although they knew she wasn't there, they thought her apartment would give them some kind of clue as to where she'd gone. Booth got no further than her entryway, before he turned on his heel and ran from the apartment as if the hounds of hell were after him, finally stopping in the parking lot and once again heaving up what little he had been able to eat since the day before.

Angela watched in shock as he ran, seeing him through the window as he got sick. She turned and looked around the apartment, trying to see what had provoked such a violent reaction.

Sitting on her kitchen counter were two objects. A small Smurf figurine and a porcelain pig.

Booth laid his head back on the sofa cushion, trying to steel himself. When he finally opened the letter, his shaking hands were the only indication that he felt anything but calm, so stoic was his outward demeanor. He expelled a long breath he didn't realize he was holding, then began to read her words.

_Dear Angela,_

_I'm sorry you're not here, I just saw the most amazing sunset. Do you remember telling me how important it was to share things like that with someone you care about? At the time I thought you were being overly romantic and silly, but now I know that you were right. It's lonely to watch those beautiful reds and oranges and blues all mixed together in a way that shouldn't be aesthetically pleasing, but have no one there to talk about the dichotomy._

_Things here are…different. I am not working in anthropology, I've been writing a new novel. Nothing Kathy and Andy, I've abandoned that storyline with my publisher's agreement. I just can't finish their story, as much as I hate leaving things unresolved. A fantasy ending would be a sham, and the truth would be too painful. The new story will be something completely different, something I've never tried before. Tell Cam I think she would even like the new book. I will send you all copies when it's completed._

_I feel the need to apologize for not telling you where I am, but I also know that you are one of the few who would understand. I was just tired of being sad, Angela. In my heart, metaphorically, I know that I alone am responsible for my own unhappiness, but to be constantly bombarded with the results of your failed life was too much for even me to compartmentalize. I truly, truly hope that he is happy. I am just too weak to watch it happen._

_I love you, Angela. Please let everyone know that I am fine and that I love them as well. And as always, please don't tell him about these letters. Thank you._

_Love, Bren_

Booth turned the letter over and over in his hands, nervous energy thrumming through every molecule in his body. He knew he joked about them being the basis of Kathy and Andy, but now…seeing it in her own handwriting admitting it, gave him no satisfaction whatsoever. It only crushed his heart more. He stood and moved to head to Jack's office to give Angela her letter back, when he saw the picture on the back of Angela's desk.

It was from the reception the museum had given Bones when she exonerated Anok, the Boy with the Bleeding Heart, of killing his brother. Booth and the entire Squint Squad was there, arms around each other, smiling in pride at their accomplishment. As he thought back to that night, the only really clear memory he had was when Bones had brought him down to the Anok exhibit alone, before anyone else was allowed to see it. He had been so sure they were going to kiss, but nothing even close to that happened again…especially after that night when he gambled with their lives and lost. But that night…everything had been good, everyone had been happy and together. It was the last time they were all happy…together.

After almost an hour, Angela began to worry and went to find Booth. When she entered her office, all she found was her letter on her desk, with a small post it attached, thanking her for letting him read it.

Sighing sadly, Angela tucked the letter into the desk drawer with the others and went back to work.

_Six months later…_

Booth sat at his desk at the Hoover, trying to make some headway with the paperwork that had been breeding on his desk for weeks. He had Parker this weekend, and he wanted to make sure his son had his full, undivided attention. Parker had been understanding about Booth's moods for the last eight months, but now he deserved better. And Booth was determined to give that to him. He knew that Parker missed Bones, and the boy had been very understanding and asked no questions when Booth and Hannah had broken up a month after Brennan left. Neither blamed the other, but they both knew it just wasn't meant to be. His heart was elsewhere, and she deserved to be someone's only one. The decision was easy, and mutual.

Concentrating on his work he never saw Max slip into the room. Without preamble, the old thief dropped a manila envelope on Booth's desk, nodded tightly at Booth when he looked up in abject shock, and walked out without ever uttering a word.

It took Booth all the resolve and training he had to wait until he got home that night to open the envelope. He changed out of his suit, grabbed a large bottle of scotch and a glass, and sat down on his sofa. Then he ended up staring at the envelope for another hour before he finally got up the nerve to pop open the clasps and pull out the contents.

The letter was the first thing he focused on. He ran his fingers over her words, heart aching and soaring all at the same time. Then, he slowly began to read.

_Booth,_

_I almost didn't write this letter, but you know how I hate to leave things unfinished. First, I owe you an apology. I am sorry, so sorry that I wasn't as strong as you. That night, at the Hoover, you gave me your word that you would continue to work with me, knowing what it would cost you. And you did. I knew, deep down, how it hurt you and how I hurt you…and I was selfish enough to continue to want that of you even after we returned from our respective trips._

_But life has other plans, and you were able to find someone to help you heal. Someone to show you that love isn't always painful, it's kind and generous and giving. And I will always be grateful to her for doing that for you, regardless of the outcome. I said I was happy for you, and I was. Am. But I wasn't strong enough to watch what my own stubbornness and fear wrought; I wasn't the friend you needed me to be. And for that I will always have deep and abiding regret._

_You showed me what real, true love is, even if it didn't work out for us the way we both wanted, in the end. And I will always be grateful to you for that. Your friendship and love helped make me a better person, and I can never repay you for that incredible gift._

_I know that if anyone understands why I had to leave, it's you. You were able to watch when things didn't go the way you hoped between us, but I couldn't. And I will have to live with that failure for the rest of my life. I know you don't like that I haven't told anyone where I am, but if you speak with Angela, she might be able to make you see why. Angela is a good friend, and she cares for you as well. Talk to her, even if you don't want to. She has a way of making things clear…even more clear than you._

_I hope that someday you'll forgive me for not being the strong, independent woman you were fooled into thinking I was. If it's any consolation, I am trying with everything I have to recover that part of me again. I think I am making some inroads in that area, and I am grateful._

_Thank you for being the best friend I've ever had. I do love you._

_Brennan_

Booth sat in shock, the letter on the floor where it had fallen from his frozen hand. She thought he was stronger than she was? He had never met anyone, man or woman, stronger than Temperance Brennan. And she was in doubt of herself…the essential part of her that made him equal parts crazy mad at her and just plain crazy for her. That, it seemed to him, might be the greatest tragedy to come out of this whole mess.

When he finally pulled himself out of his reverie, he realized that the only other thing inside the envelope was a book. Her new book.

The Song Remains the Same: A Novel by Temperance Brennan.

Booth flipped idly through a few pages, then read the summary…and chuffed a laugh. Cam would be thrilled. She had actually written a romance novel. Unbelievable. He turned, with trepidation, to find the dedication page, and when he did…she ripped his heart out all over again. He resolved right then and there to find her, wherever she was, and tell her everything he should have told her years ago. But not tonight. Tonight, he was going to go to bed and sleep soundly for the first time in almost a year.

_Dedication:_

_I hope that someday you find your 'eventually'…and that I am there to share it with you._

_All my love,_

_Bones_


End file.
